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2004-07-30 - 7:55 p.m.

i went on vacation a couple weeks ago. i know i never mentioned it to you guys or anything, but when it all boils down to it, i guess i don't really have to. ANYWAY, i went on vacation for two weeks and i got back on sunday. it was a good trip, i got to see all kinds of crap, and when i got home i was happy to be home, and kinda looking forward to going back to work. i was well-rested and ready to face another 50 weeks of never having a goddamned moment to myself.

monday and tuesday went by without a hitch. it was real smooth sailing. then on wednesday i got to work and saw this LETTER on my DESK.

i guess i should preface this with a little background information. i pretty much don't give a shit about anything. really. if it is going to adversely affect me in 10 years from now, i will sweat it, but if not, i just don't care. i...don' i don't care and i also do not wash my hands. i don't wash my hands because my skin is real ass sensitive, and washing them makes my skin all freak out, and i then i gotta use hydrocortisone cream on them, and i can't wear my wedding ring, and it is a pain in my ass. so i basically never wash them, and i don't care enough to find some alternate method of washing them (please do not write me with alternate methods, cause i am not gonna use them cause i don't give a fuck.)

fact of the matter is, i do not get that dirty. also, i do not think that washing your hands makes all that much difference. i mean, it removes the germs you got all over your hands from touching your coworker's pen, but it really does not do anything about all the germs you got from sticking the pen in your mouth. or biting your nails when you were sitting on the toilet. or picking your nose after you make a bunch of copies on the copier in the breakroom. honestly. plus, when you think about it, people touch the faucet handles with poopy hands before they wash them, then get the poop right back on their hands when they turn the faucet off.

so, back to the story... i get to my desk, and there is this letter from SOMEONE that said that they saw me in the bathroom not washing my hands, and that is very unsanitary, and that if i do not start washing my hands they are going to call HR. and they did not even sign it. now, there is no real way to win in this situation. first off, i know that HR would not do anything, because, oh i dunno, me not washing my hands is not that important when you consider how the only time i touch anything anyone else is gonna touch is when i am in the bathroom. but i still don't want this complete moron to call down there. but what then? i don't want to splash around five or six times a day just to make some unknown person feel better about me. i don't want them to WIN. i want to keep not washing my hands.

so i took it to my boss. i took the note to my boss and told her i was not gonna wash my hands. she said that was fine, i do not have to if i do not want to.

after that harrowing experience, i was ready to go home. turns out, there were like 5 deadly accidents between work and my house, and i had to take some backward-ass way. but so did everyone else, so my normally 30-minute trip home took TWO HOURS. and i walk in the house and my mom had come over unannounced, and is sitting out on the porch with my husband, who is in his underwear and looking like he doused himself in baby oil and rolled around in some dirty old sandbox.

but then, after my mom left, and i played a relaxing game of Pokemon Snap, i noticed my giant pile of mail from my PO Box. i got a bunch of bullshit in the mail. but i also got a friends and family discount coupon for 20% at world market from a very nice girl in mentor, ohio, AND a pair of knee high leopard fur platform go-go boots from a very nice drag queen in Norman, Oklahoma. what the heck. being on the internet has finally paid off. check out this shit:

what i am gonna wear with those boots is beyond me, all i know is that i can touch the ceiling of my dining room, and the top of the refridgerator comes up to my collarbone when i wear them. i am thinking GLITTER HOTPANTS. so, if you see some 6'6" chick in glitter hotpants and a melvins shirt at world market buying a case of cholula and white zinfandel, that would probably be me. but do not confront me, because i will probably just stone cold clock you in the fucking head.

love, natalie

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