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2003-10-03 - 11:55 p.m.

i am not going to lie to you all... i am pretty old. ok, maybe not pretty old, but i am getting a little closer to old than i ever wanted to. i mean, the last however many years went by really fast, and if that many years goes by just as fast i am going to be 30 pretty soon. that isn't going to be good for anybody.

out of nowhere i got some kind of real job, with weekends off and my own desk and some kind of salary that pays my bills. i have a car that starts. i buy clothes that are not used. me 'n' the mister take "weekend trips". i hardly ever go out anymore, and if i do, i usually get home pretty early. dogs have turned from something rich people have to something people with yards have. i caught myself thinking about getting a real haircut instead of the choppy grab-a-hank-twist-it-up-saw-the-ends-off-with-the-nailclippers haircut i have right now. i am getting crazy old.

in no time, i am going to be all grocery shopping, buying some namebrand peanutbutter instead of the food club brand. all buying towels to match the shower curtain. all knowing what a 401K is AND being concerned about mine. there is one thing i will never do, though.

i am never going to have children.

having kids is fine for other people. in fact, i encourage it. if other people have kids, that means i do not have to. other people can gain 50 pounds, puke a whole bunch, have to wear retarded flouncy shirts with tugboats on them, then have some asshole claw its way outta their crotches and then attach itself to their tit.

i really don't dig kids at all. they don't hold my interest. i am really awful at talking to them. (pretty much the only response i can think of when they say anything to me is "oh, yeah?" which, i am pretty sure, does not foster any kind of feel-good bullshit or improve their self-esteem or anything.) when kids touch me, i pretty much recoil in terror. their little creepy hands really bug the hell out of me. i think that is proof that i would not make a good mom.

the fact of the matter is, i am really good at half-assing stuff, so i am pretty sure that i would be an allright mom for a week or something but then my half-assedness and my general intense dislike of children would result in me just getting tired and annoyed with it. the kid would spend the rest of its infancy in an elaborate invention that holds its naked butt over the trashcan so it will just crap in there and i will not have to worry about changing it. then, when it is old enough to verbalize that it wants to be removed from the invention and agrees to only excrete where it is supposed to excrete, i will let it down, and it can watch a whole bunch of TV until he figures out just how all those people on Star Search "walk". then i will send it to boarding school in switzerland.

either that or i guess i could just get an abortion. or leave the kid behind some dumpster. (wait, they have those baby drop-offs now, don't they? i guess that would work.)

love, natalie

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