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2003-01-29 - 2:46 p.m.

i used to have a thing for dudes with accents.

this was a few years ago. i had a friend who also had a thing for guys with accents, but she had a boyfriend at the time, so when she met this guy who sounded like he was german or something, she gave him my number.

so i am sitting at my house and he calls. we talk for a minute and decide to meet up at this diner near where i lived. i sit at a booth, and he comes over and sits down with me.

the first thing out of his mouth is "i am in love with you and i can really see this relationship working."

immediately, i want to go home. i walked to the diner, though, and i am paranoid this guy is gonna follow me back to the house. so i sit and order a cup of tea, and dude starts scooping honey out of the little pre-pack things and licking it off his fingers while he tells me about himself.

he is a little younger than me. he says he is from germany, that his mom moved to the united states when he was little, and he stayed back and lived with his dad and his brother. he moved to the states 6 months ago, cause the KGB killed his dad (they threw him in a river or something) and then they were after him and his brother. why? i never asked. i just sat there nodding and looking towards the door, hoping there would be some kind of way to sneak out without him noticing.

it was getting bad. i had been there for three hours or something and dude just kept getting weirder and weirder. talking about the KGB. professing his undying love. eating condiments. all in super-broken english.

i needed to get out. i needed to go home so bad. being the super-genius i am, i excused myself to go to the bathroom, and called an ex-boyfriend of mine and told him about my predicament.

within a half hour, he was at the diner. he took a seat across the room, pretended that he saw me, and waved me over. dude follows me. we sit at the table with my ex-boyfriend, i start ignoring him hardcore, and then i sneak out with my ex. i felt real shitty about it for a minute, then...

(ex-boyfirend) "why were you there with him?"

(me) "well, my friend thought i would wanna go out with him, and she set us up for this blind date thing. she whought i would like his accent."

(ex) "accent?"

(me) "yeah, he's from germany or something. he just moved here a few months ago."

(ex) "ummm... he isn't from germany."

(me) "what?"

(ex) "i went to middle school with him. his grandmother was from germany, but she moved here a really long time ago. he just has a real awful speech impediment. i knew him cause my mom taught the special ed class he was in."

the moral of the story is, NEVER EVER EVER go on a blind date, unless the dude does not have an accent. even then, make sure you drive, so you can make a quick getaway.


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