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2005-03-11 - 11:58 a.m.

i have a problem with eating.

ever since i could remember, i have been the pickiest eater i know. it is almost to the point of being a handicap. when i was younger i just thought i would grow out of it, cause i never saw any adults who were as picky as me. i even tried to retry all the foods i don't like in hopes of finding something new to like, but it did not work. they all kept grossing me out.

this is the short list of things i can't even stand to put in my mouth (keep in mind that this is the short list, i am sure there is probably something i am forgetting): onions, tomatoes, cabbage, celery, any kind of beans, grapefruit, pickles, anise/black licorice, rye bread, pumpernickel bread, cheese that is not melted, bologna/salami/pepperoni/processed lunchmeat, peppers, soup (except chicken noodle), fish, lamb, cottage cheese, cream cheese, mexican food, cooked carrots, broccoli, cucumbers, zucchini, egg yolks, pimentos, most vegetables that are cooked (the exceptions being potatoes, spinach, and corn), iceberg lettuce, radishes, turnips, any kind of casserole, sauce that has chunks of things in it, pizza, beer, wine, juice, hummus, any kind of salad dressing (except ranch and vinaigrette), dates, figs... i could go on. also note that i don't like anything that has any of the above mentioned foods as an ingredient.

my husband thinks i am a supertaster, which is a condition where you have up to 2x the tastebuds of other people, and you can detect certain chemicals in foods that other people can't. it basically makes a lot of stuff taste gross. i would agree with him, but a lot of time it is the texture of something that completely turns me off.

like i said, when i was younger i thought i would get over this, but it is just not happening. i try to eat stuff, it just does not work. i get psyched up to try something, put it in my mouth, and it is like instant oral hell, and my mouth will actually start watering like it does right before you throw up. sometimes i will even retch. it is terrible. the only progress i have made at all in the years of trying to get over it is that i do not mind onions in food as long as they are so pulverized and smeared to bits that i never ever see one on my fork. luckily, my husband endulges me in this, and is a professional at completely destoying onions until they are basically just a paste. i also ate something at the korean restaurant the other day, i liked it but i do not know what it was. (usually when i go to korean, i just trade everything in my dinner box so all i have is my bulgogi, some rice, and 13 meat dumpling things.)

the worst is when i have dinner parties and people bring a side dish, and they are all like TRY THIS THING I MADE, and i am all like NOOOOOOOOOOO PLEASE NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. or when people have dinner parties, i have to ask what they will be eating, and if it is hamburgers or something i am cool, but if they are like GOULASH, i have to eat before i go over, and be "fashionably late". cause i do not want to go to a dinner party and just fiddle with some crudite (which is actually just a couple carrots after i pick through and just get what i like). it makes me long for the days when "party" meant "get raging drunk" instead of "sit and have a meal and talk about work until everyone has to leave and put their kids to bed." it is hard to look sophisticated when you are dining with adults and you are picking all of the onions out of your food, and get all dramatic like "(whisper) dude, you did not tell me these cats were fucking vegetarians... what the fuck is this shit? bok choy? i am sneaking out to make a sandwich at home. watch my purse so nobody thinks i left."

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