What is the problem
by Natalie Dee
Q: My whole life I've been overweight, and have been jealous of those who were much skinnier than myself. I always longed to be the girl that all the guys were chasing after. Well, recently, I lost a good amount of weight and men are now finding me to be attractive. My self-esteem has soared rapidly and I am afraid that I have become *too* self confident, which I don't want either. The real problem, however, lies in the fact that I can't refuse men. Since I've lost all this weight, I've had sex with three random guys (in about 3 months.) I'm afraid I can't stop having sex just to have sex, to revel in the fact that I am now desired. I'm safe every time, and I really enjoy it, but I'm afraid this behavior can only be detrimental to my health (and reputation.) Is it such a horrible thing that I am now freely enjoying sex with men that I don't ever care if I see again? More importantly, how do I stop this behavior? Is it necessary to stop?
Q: I just can't seem to NOT put out. I've put out on the first date with pretty much every guy I've dated. I just don't know how to say no. I don't feel guilty about having sex, I'm very liberated. The problem is, after putting out the guy generally loses all interest. The last time I went out with a guy I promised myself I would be a good girl, but of course, one thing led to another and we had sex. Now he won't talk to me. Part of me feels like this is everyone elses problem, the main reason I put out is because I want to, not because I feel like I have to. But I guess society views this type of behavior as unacceptable and guys especially think that girls who put out right away are not worth their time. Seeing as how I can't change society's views how I can I put the brakes on without seeming like a total cock tease the next time I go out with a guy?
A: Both of you guys need to stop feeling bad about having sex. You can't change society's views on the subject, but that doesn't mean that you have to cut yourself off just because some people are uptight.
Neither of you sound like you are out of hand. You're not going after other girls' boyfriends. You are wrapping it up every time (every time, right?) You're enjoying yourself. What is the problem?
Gillian, you sound like you are just afraid of people thinking you are too free-wheeling. The thing is, if you keep your personal business personal, people won't really have a way of knowing what you do. Guys don't kiss-and-tell as much as we girls are lead to believe, so as long as you don't announce to the bar that you are bringing that dude (points at dude) home with you TONIGHT to FUCK, then you should be cool. And don't tell all your girlfriends about who you bring home. First problem solved.
Erica, if you fuck a guy on the first date, they might leave you place thinking that you are "that kind of girl", but that is because you are. But he fucked you on the first date, too, so if it bugs him, he is a hypocrite not worth dating anyway. If you want to have sex with a guy, and he wants to have sex with you, too, it is OK. If I added up all the times I went on one date with a guy and fucked him, and all the times I went on one date with a guy and didn't fuck him, the numbers would be pretty close. Sometimes people just don't like each other that much, but all the expectations of the date + maybe a few drinks is enough to get people in bed together even though they aren't really that nuts about each other. You shouldn't feel bad if you have sex with a guy you want to have sex with. Maybe he won't call you, but I bet that you wouldn't even have called most of the guys who don't call you, so its no big loss.
Anyway, to both of you, as long as you are not doing anything shady like screwing over your friends in order to bag some dude, or cheating on someone, or stealing another girl's boyfriend, it is NOBODY'S business what you do. Go for it and don't forget to not get STDs.
Q: For the past three years I've been renting an ok house in a good area for a pretty good deal- the owner is family. However, the owner (uncle) recently got a wild hair up his ass to sell the place after attending a get rich quick course up north. I wouldn't be so annoyed about getting six months notice if he weren't selling it for such a stupid reason- the course told him that if he were to invest in their products, he would be a millionare in five years. Somehow, I find this hard to believe. I guess what I'm asking is if I should show him what a dumbass he is being, and try to live in the house for a little longer, or let him make his own mistake and lose all of his money, become bankrupt, and have to start all over again. He's a great guy, but as you can tell, a little on the naive side. Please tell me what to do! -Andre
A: You said that you "wouldn't be so annoyed about getting six months notice if he weren't selling it for such a stupid reason". The fact of the matter is, what he does with his money is none of your business, even if what he wants to do is extremely ridiculous. If you were renting from someone other than family, you wouldn't even be privy to the reasons for your landlord selling the property, you would just move and deal with the inconvenience. You entered into a business agreement with family, but you should still treat your stay on the property in a professional way, and not make yourself look like someone who can't keep their nose out of other people's asses.
It is quite possible that the owner will lose all of his money plus some to a messed-up pyramid sceme, but he will resent you a lot if you try to bring this to his attention. Once people get a weird idea in their head, it is impossible to change their mind until they have already felt the repercussions, then when they do, they associate everything you said with their bruised ego and will be pissed at you for long after the money is gone. With an idea this ludicrous, you can be sure that someone he is closer to (wife, kids, anyone) would have pointed out the holes in his plan a long time ago, and your protests will fall on deaf ears.
Natalie Dee is a Columbus-based artist and writer whose work can be seen at nataliedee.com.
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