11-15-2004: swinging in your mom's direction.

Q: I have the calves and outer thighs of a goddess, but no matter what I do, my inner thighs won't let go of their precious cellulite. What exercises can I do to make my legs not touch at the top?

A: hmmm, that is a good question. i think the only thing you could do to make your legs not touch in the middle would be to lose a bunch of weight... i do not think any particular exercise would work, cause it would make your muscles bigger, which would not make your inner thighs smaller. i really have no idea what i am talking about though. i work out everyday, and my thighs still touch. i have not really been trying to make them not touch, though. i pretty much just work out all the time in hopes of getting arms like Madonna at some point. i can pick up 50 pounds. (feel my muscle.) ANYWAY, back to your question... i do not think there are any exercises to make yout thighs not touch, but i know some pretty skinny people, and their thighs touch, too, so i do not think it is a real terrible thing. plus, how often are you wearing something that would show off your upper thighs?

Q: My mother and I are both friends with an adult couple. They are swingers, but my mother doesn't know. Should I tell her this, even though she would majorly disapprove?

A: nah, unless they have been talking about swinging in your mom's direction. my whole idea is that people's sex lives are not your business until it IS DEFINITELY YOUR BUSINESS. like, i do not care about someone being into S&M until they try to tie me up, you dig? (not that there is anything wrong with tying people up...) if your mom has been friends with these cats for a long time, and they have never tried to bang her, and they are not currently trying to bang her, she does not need to know if they are trying to bang other people.

Q: i was wondering, you hear so many horror stories, but how much anal sex do you actually have to have before your sphincter stops working properly and you can't hold your poo in anymore?? That would not be very good. Please reply!

A: i do not think that it is an issue of quantity so much as size... like you can have tons of anal sex with a average dude and be ok with it. i think the problems arise when you are trying to put extremely large objects (or weiners) up in there. i think at some point you just go for something a little bigger, bust a gasket, and then you gotta duct tape your ass shut in order to make it through the workday without having to change your pants. i am not a professional, since the idea of anal sex pretty much terrifies me (ouchie), but that is what i think. (i hear you can get it fixed though... like, a doctor can sew it back up for you and you will be able to carry on like nothing happened.)

Q: So, I've been unemployed for a month now, and I have heard almost nothing from the 20+ places I've sent my resume to. My boyfriend is taking care of the bills (which is what i did for 2 months while he was finding a job), so money isn't a huge issue. However, i am going crazy being stuck in the apartment with 3 cats all day. I guess my question is when do I give up on looking for a REAL job and apply at Target?

A: this is a good question... a long time ago, i got fired from my phone sex job for not having enough phone sex. i was unemployed for a while afterwards, and it was a real drag. i was broke and staying at home all day is wicked annoying. so i just got a real shitty job at CVS in order to keep myself sane and also pay for things until i could find a real job. i would recommend it. here is why... ONE: you will get out of the house, which keeps you from getting depressed, and getting depressed will keep you from sending out more resumes, which is what you will have to do in order to find a real job. TWO: having a little bit of spending money will boost morale and also make sure you do not jump at the first thing you get offered. you do not want to be so desperate that you take some data entry or mailroom job. that is no better than working retail. THREE: employee discounts make it easier to purchase things you need like deoderant, etc. you can work part time, get your employee discount, and have time to do interviews. it will not be that bad.

Q: If you could cross breed any two or three animals, which animals would you combine and why? What would you call it? Can i ride one?

A: i would cross a jackass and a hippo and call it THE INTERNET. you could ride one if you wanted, but you would probably get ejaculate all over yourself.

Q: do people call you nat? do you really fucking hate it a lot? i would hate it....so much.

A: yes i hate it. thank you for reminding me.

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