Candy dishes from strangers

by Natalie Dee

The boy I like gave me a candy dish and I’m trying to think of things to put in it. Candy and nuts are boring. Do you have any suggestions?

—Francine

 

Allow me to start off by saying that candy is not boring. In fact, candy is totally awesome.

That said, I can understand why you would want to find alternate uses for a candy dish. Have you considered putting change and your keys in it? That’s probably what I would do. If you wanted to have something nice just sitting on your coffee table, you could fill it with different colored marbles or a big fat candle. You could use it to serve olives.

Or, I dunno, you could find a dude who doesn’t give you candy dishes. That is kinda strange.

 

My eight-year-old daughter, Abby, loves sports. She rides horses, fences and is on the soccer team. Recently she has started getting into football.

My husband and I love that she’s so active, but my mother-in-law, who is living with us for a few months, is constantly yelling at us for not teaching her to be more girlie and then lectures Abby and tells her that she won’t have any friends and no man will ever love her if she plays sports. Now she’s scared to play football because she believes her grandmother.

I’ve tried telling her that her grandma is wrong, but she’s still scared. What should I do? Should I yell at my mother-in-law, force Abby to go outside and play football, or just let her quit something she loves?

—Rachel

 

Your mother-in-law’s problem is not your daughter’s problem. So why should your daughter have to give up something she loves just because her grandmother is nuts? You (and your husband) need to talk to your mother-in-law and lay things out: She shouldn’t be allowed to dictate how you raise your child or make your daughter feel bad.

I would try to talk to your daughter again, too. Before you do, look up information about other girls who have played football or all-girl football teams. I’m sure you can show her there’s nothing unfeminine about going out and doing whatever she wants to do.

 

I often put my foot in my mouth or embarrass people accidentally, things like walking into a locker room that has a toilet and announcing loudly, “It really stinks in here!” and then one of my close friends will walk out and I’ll be embarrassed and she’ll be embarrassed.

How do I apologize for embarrassing them without making it worse? Or should I just pretend it never happened?

—Claire

 

Well, jeez. What do you expect it to smell like next to a toilet?

You need to work on your self control. If you find yourself putting your foot in your mouth a lot, perhaps that means you’re a little insensitive. You should think before you make loud announcements. Not everyone is going to think your comment is as hilarious as you did in the two seconds between when it occurred to you and when you yelled it out for everyone to hear.

Anyway, that’s not what you asked. I think you should apologize, though that doesn’t mean the person’s feelings aren’t still going to be hurt. In the case of your announcement about the smell of your friend’s excrement, “I am sorry, that was extremely inappropriate” would probably suffice.

 

Why can’t I have an orgasm?! I’m a 20-year-old female and I’ve had sex with 13 different people. I’ve been having sex since I was 14.

I just don’t get it. I mean, sex feels good but I never get that OH MY GOD WOW sensation that everyone talks about. I even got a dildo but I can’t seem to make it happen. What’s wrong with me? Am I dysfunctional or something?

—Casey

 

You’re not dysfunctional and there’s nothing wrong with you. If anything, you’re just misinformed.

Multiple sex partners does not equal a satisfying sex life. In fact, that might be part of your problem. You’ve been having sex for six years and have had 13 partners? That averages out to a little more than two people a year, which makes me think you might not take the time to form lasting relationships. Maybe it would help to have a good boyfriend who you’re close to and able to talk to about your difficulties.

Also, if you’re open to masturbation and buying toys, try getting a vibrator rather than a dildo. You would probably be better served with something that provides a little clitoral stimulation, since most women are not able to get off on penetration alone (though you might have even better luck with both).

 

Most of the girls I’ve dated are not virgins. I am. I was raised to believe that it should be saved for marriage—and let’s face it, that’s unusual in today’s world. So I’ve pretty much accepted the fact that if I end up with a wife someday, I won’t be her first/only intimate partner.

I still have this hang-up, though—I want to be the first for whoever is my first. Is that stupid? I wish I could get past it and enjoy myself with women, but my thoughts just keep going back to not wanting to go there if someone else got there first.

So I need to ask a reasonable person: Is wanting to lose my virginity to a virgin foolish, or do you think it’s something that should be a first for both people?

—Chris

 

Wanting to wait until marriage to have sex is not wrong. Unfortunately, it’s a pretty unpopular decision, and the older you get you’ll meet fewer and fewer people who are still sticking to their guns. If it’s that important to you to remain chaste until you get married, you would probably be happier if you tried to find a lady who feels the same way.

Don’t try to change your expectations just because you think your stance is unpopular. It’s OK to want your future wife to be a virgin. You aren’t the only one who’s waiting—there have to be girls who are, too. All you need to do is find them, marry them and fuck them.

 

All of my friends like sucky music, and whenever I’m with them I always end up having to listen to it. What can I do?

—Stephanie

 

Grow up.

Natalie Dee is a Columbus-based artist and writer whose work can be seen at nataliedee.com. To Ask Natalie, e-mail asknatalie@nataliedee.com












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