i have a small penis.

Q: I have a huge problem. I'm 19 years old in college and I have rather small penis. I'm not a virgin, its just that the only way I can get some is if the girl is drunk. I'm scared to be in a relationship due to this problem. What should I do? -Steve

A: You are not that endowed, and the only way to get a girl to sleep with you is if she is drunk? What, do you wear a tshirt that says "I HAVE A SMALL PENIS" when you go out? Honestly, there is no way for girls to know that about you without you telling her or showing her, so your problems with the ladies may stem from something else.

Perhaps your problems with the ladies are caused by the fact that you seem to just be trolling for tail? A relationship is the best place for a small penis, because a relationship has a lot of non-sexual components. Your small penis won't matter when you are having conversations and making plans together and supporting each other. One night stands with bar chicks are just about one thing-- the sex part.

Honestly, though, a lot of girls don't have any problem with small penises. Some even prefer them (I don't, but you're not gonna be dating me, anyway). If you work on your lady-pleasing skills (you know, the foreplay and oral and whatnot), the size of your dick isn't going to matter much at all. I would recommend that you try to meet a nice girl, and take her on A DATE, and maybe FIND OUT DIFFERENT THINGS ABOUT HER, and try to BE A GENTLEMAN. If you do all these things, and the girl likes you, too, she will probably not notice your little thing.

Q: I'm in the process of trying to find a new apartment. I live in a small town, and was thinking of relocating to a nearby city.

I found a kick-ass loft-style apartment for pretty cheap that comes with a lot of amenities (free coffee, gym, etc.) that I'm pretty psyched about. Unfortunately, the apartment is located in this little gated community set in the middle of what basically amounts to the city's slum district. I love the apartment, but am afraid I would feel like an asshole to be living so well amidst such poverty (separated by a 15 foot steel fence and gate).

Am I right to feel guilty, or should I be focusing more on the tequila-and-trivia party I plan on throwing for my new upscale neighbors? -Morgan

A: This is a simple case of out of sight, out of mind. The people in your city were poor and suffering before, only you couldn't see them from your back porch. So now you are more aware of the bad conditions some people have to live in, and you feel bad because you know you have it pretty good. Should you feel guilty? There is nothing really to feel guilty about. You didn't make them poor. You didn't personally move them all to the ghetto.

But turning a blind eye to all that would be pretty sucky, and would actually be something to feel guilty about. If the location of your new home is wearing heavily on your conscience, think about helping out in your community. See if there are any programs in your neighborhood for all those poor people, and volunteer to help out. If you work toward improving your community, maybe the difference between your side of the gate and theirs won't be so jarring, and you can enjoy your tequila party in peace.

Q: For whatever reason, I find myself incredibly annoyed by poor grammar. I know that my grammar is not perfect, especially spoken, but I find it really absurd when I'm correcting my English teacher's grammar in my head. I really do not enjoy being the grammar nazi who corrects everyone, whether out loud or inside my own brain, but I do not want the practice of good speaking and writing to go completely down the toilet. I also think that a grammatical revolution is highly unlikely. Is it worth all the energy of being constantly annoyed by the casual disregard of the art of language? -Eve

A: How about you just relax about it? Nobody likes a pedantic little busybody. English is a living language. It changes and evolves and the people who speak it are the ones who decide how it goes. Not the ones who are uptight about it. As far as I am concerned, as long as people are able to communicate their ideas clearly, the grammar and usage are just not that important.

Not that you have any room to talk at all. Your question was so fraught with errors that it took longer to correct than any of the other questions on this page. Hmmm....

Q: I recently (a few months ago) broke up with a girl who I loved and am now dating the love of my life. The girl I broke up with and I want to remain friends, but it is very hard. She will call me, crying, and accuse me of not caring for her (as a friend) because in many situations, I can't help her without breaking plans or without alienating my current girlfriend. Also, many times she wants me to be there for her when the reason she is sad because of me. Is there any hope for us to stay friends? What does she need? -Aaron

A: It seems like you are a pretty nice dude, Aaron. Maybe that is why this broad is all in a tizzy over you. I think there is hope for you to be friends, but there is no way for that to work out right now. What she needs is some time alone from you to sort through her feelings. You being so sensitive and concerned about her feelings is probably really confusing for her... she is probably thinking "Why does he act like he cares about me so much if he does not want to be with me?" then she rolls it around in her head over and over and it drives her completely nuts. I'm just saying. That's how girls run.

Maybe talk to her one last time and let her know that you don't think it is a good idea to spend time with her for a litle while. She won't like it, but she will feel better a lot faster, and eventually she will get it. Don't keep on submitting to her demands, that will only make things worse for her, and jeopardize your relationship with your current relationship. There is just no way for one dude to make two bitches happy.

Natalie Dee is a Columbus-based artist and writer whose work can be seen at nataliedee.com. To Ask Natalie, e-mail asknatalie@nataliedee.com

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