8-4-2004: D: D: D:

Q: My boyfriend has very low self-esteem, and it's starting to get on my nerves. I want a boyfriend who I can talk to about anything, that is, anything but suicide. He's always saying things like, "I suck at life." It's so bad that I just want to end the relationship -- but I don't want to hurt his feelings. I feel trapped. Any suggestions?

A: hmmm... why, yes i do. dump him. criminy. how many times do i have to tell you chicken necks that having some dude is not the only reason to exist. contrary to popular belief, having a shitty ass boyfriend is not better than having no boyfriend. so what if your boyfriend has low self-esteem. so does everyone else. but when his low self-esteem starts making you feel bad and making you feel like you can't dump him, its emotional abuse. jesus. get it together, ladies. for real.

Q: I noticed in the picture of you on the main page of your website that you're wearing glasses, but in almost every other drawing of you, you're not. My question is, do you in fact wear glasses, and if so, why not draw them in your pictures? Do you wear contacts? And one more if you don't mind; how bad is your eyesight without them?

A: i usually wear glasses, although i wear contacts sometimes when i am feeling especially masochistic. in the drawings, though, it is not necessarily me. it is more like a female character loosely based on me. and i do not want to spend time drawing glasses over and over. i like to only include things that are actually necessary. i mean, i could spend a bunch of time making sure that all of the drawings are accesorized, but that would be retarded. my eyesight is like 20/40 or something like that. not really bad, but i do not want to go driving around without some sort of corrective lens.

Q: im 20 and have a fairly messy, big ole scrub of hair. Im thinking of dyeing the whole lot white, like, purest white. do you think this'll make me look cool, like christopher lloyd in "Back to the Future", or will it make me look like a dweeb, like the spooky kid from "Eerie Indiana"? my girlfriend thinks the latter, but all my buddies say the former. any wisdom on the issue?

A: don't do it, bro. keep it like it is and work the whole natural hipster thing. if you dye it, it will just look like you want people to look at you. you don't want to be that guy. nobody likes that guy. no girls wanna fuck christopher lloyd.

Q: i'm having my boyfriend over to my apartment so i can make him his favorite dinner for his birthday. i've got everything set except i don't know what kind of music i should play for a dinner that's romantic but not, you know, over the top...i would just ask him what he digs for such an occasion but i'm trying to surprise him. do you have any suggestions?

A: R. Kelly and some whipped cream on the old nipples.

Q: Anytime I ask people about Ohio, they either love it or hate it. Either everyone's assholes and people can't spend 24 hours there (mostly Cincinatti), or all the people are real laid back or nice or at least tolerable, and the female:male ratio is really high, etc etc; it's an unexpected paradise. I also hear the state is almost entirely non-smoking. What are Columbus and Cleveland like? What's your opinion on the state as a whole, compared to the rest of the Midwest? I have an opportunity to relocate there, so is it worth a visit? Why do all the cities' names start with 'C', except for Dayton which is only one letter off.

A: i think you should move to ohio. i like it here a lot. the only reason i do not say i love it is the weather, which is a little too weathery. cleveland sucks, it is pretty dirty and spread out. columbus is pretty awesome. it meets all my needs, and does so in a reasonable amount of space. i can get anywhere i wanna go in 10-15 minutes. it has some good cd stores and grocery stores and the people are allright. cincinnati sucks, too, it is SERIOUSLY spread out, and there is hardly anything going on there. man, so maybe i mean that you should move to columbus, seeing out of the 3 big cities, 2 of them suck. but DEVO is from ohio, that has to count for something.

Q: Okay. Heres the story. I left home for a week, unsuspecting of my moms homemaker instints. She decided to clean my bed sheets for me and she must have found a surprise because my dildo is gone!! I think she took it and i want it back. This is a sketchy situation.. very awkard. What should i do?

A: D: your mom stole your dildo??? for real? baby, your only option is to pretend nothing happened, and go get yourself a bigger dildo. (you know, to make yourself feel better about your mom stealing the other one.)

Q: Who do you plan on voting for this november?

A: i dunno. i am torn between cobb and kerry. i will probably vote for cobb though, cause goddamn if i am gonna let some motherfuckers scare me into voting for someone i do not like so much. you know, i can pick the lesser of two evils, or just NOT VOTE FOR EVIL.

Q: I think my father has gone totally insane. He used to just be a little screwy, but now he says things and they're downright scary. He's writing a book about how he's decided the world and the universe works, and I'm typing it for him because he types slower than Rosanne on a treadmill. (Y'know..if she accidentally fell on it or something.) So, this book is CHOCK full of crazy. And not the fun-crazy either. He talks about this day where he woke up one morning and everything was smaller. People were the size of what cats used to be, and cats were now previous mouse size. And so I was like, "Good symbolism, dad. Makes a good point about not being overwhelmed by life and your perspective, and stuff." and he was all,"No. I'm totally serious. Everything got way smaller. -pause- it was trippy..." Do I bring him to the loony bin, or what?

A: man, that sounds like fun-crazy to me!! your dad is awesome. as long as he is not hurting anyone, let him carry on in whatever way he wants. high five, dad. nothing wrong with a dad tripping balls.

Q: Why does Heavy Metal get such a bad name. i can understand why people would hate on nu-metal bands but why on earth could you hate the majestry of the old school, what have the Metal Gods done to them, besides spare them from a much deserved pillaging? surely they can be thankful for having a good harvest these past couple years. are these people aneimic because they don't have enough iron in their blood. I know i don't. what is your take on this? May the Metal Lords bless you

#2 I know you said you like Stoner Metal. But do you have a nice side? Like do you like the band Pink Floyd?

#3 what are your top five favorite albums of all time?....I ask everyone that ever sinceI saw High Fidelity..

A: people like asking me questions about music... so yes, i think more people should listen to metal. it increases your toughness 400%, and makes you a better lay. stoner metal increases both your toughness AND your awesomeness, but not if you are listening to Queens of the Stone Age, which i feel is lacking. (so quit telling me to listen to them, everybody on the internet.) Pink Floyd is ok i suppose, but Pink Floyd fans usually smell like D&D. i have a hard time picking out single albums, cause, you know, a lot of times your favorite band will have like 10 albums, and you super-like 3 of them, but having one band make up 3 slots in your list of 5 albums makes you look not-well-rounded. but i always always always like the melvins, and always like dinosaur jr and the breeders and neutral milk hotel and grandaddy and guided by voices and stuff like that.

Q: I know it is summer right now, and I should be feeling happier than ever, what with my senior year of high school to look forward too. But there is nothing for me and my girlfriend to do really. Our birthday was just a few days ago (Yeah, we have the same birthday, but I'm 18 and she's 17 now) and I think it might just be after-birthday-nothing-left-to-celebrate-till-christmas-blues. Anywho....any suggestions as to how we should waste our summer vacation? Or how to get out of this slump of depressing boredom?

A: may i suggest pre-marital sex? as an 18 year-old dude, i am sure you can get a bone 10 times a day, and fucking is novel enough that it won't get boring before school starts up again. fucking is pretty much free (aside from the cost of birth control/profos/etc, which is not that bad if you go to planned parenthood.) if it does get boring try ANAL SEX, or SWINGING. i promise you, it will be a summer to remember. this goes for all of you on the internet, too. before you go read the drudge report or whatever the fuck you guys look at, try fucking. it is way more awesome than not fucking. it is even more awesome than homestar runner (i am not lying.)

Q: Is quitting smoking hard?

A: yes. it is hard, and it sucks. then you do not smoke, and you think about smoking a lot, but you do not do it because then you will be an asshole. then you forget about it and only think about it once in awhile. but it is a lot easier if you just do it rather than fucking around with the patches and gum and whatever.

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