by Natalie Dee
My boyfriend and I are in a rock band together. He plays keys and sings, and I drum.
Through a friend with a music industry past, we met a semi-famous gay rock star and got him some of our stuff to listen to. He got back to us right away and said he really liked the songs, so we figured this was good networking. We invited him to a show; he was out of town and sent his manager instead. His manger went to the show and liked our music too.
We recently hung out with both of them, and it was kinda uncomfortable, because the rock star is sooo touchy-feely with my boyfriend and me. Heís in a serious relationship, weíre obviously in a relationship, but he is very focused on talking about sex and we donít like it.
They seem interested in our music, and they are reputable and successful, but I canít tell if they want to help out our band or get us in bed. óThomas
It is possible that these guys are indeed interested in your music. Industry cats donít typically go out to see bands play and hang out with unsigned bands unless they think thereís at least some potential.
Maybe the dude is just overly sexual. Stranger things have happened. Some people are just so comfortable with their sexuality that they think you are totally comfortable with their sexuality too. Touchy-feely is one thing, but if heís doing anything that you are 100-percent uncomfortable withóactually propositioning you, touching your ďbathing suit areas,Ē wink winkóthen no amount of potential success is worth making yourself feel cheap.
If your band is good enough to garner praise from industry insiders, itís good enough to garner praise from other, more respectful industry insiders.
Iím getting married soon to my live-in boyfriend. We just moved to a new state a year ago to be next to his family and, before that, we came down to visit a bunch of times.
They are a very nice, normal family, and I totally dig his dad. We can jabber about anything. His mom, though, doesnít seem to be warming up to me. She is very polite and thoughtful, but I canít seem to say anything to her without sounding like a total retard. What do I do? óLily
Oh, those soon-to-be-mothers-in-law... I donít want to be discouraging, but thereís nothing you can do to make her like you. Youíd think it would be enough that you love her son to death and are a nice person, but nooo.
How do I know this? Because my own mother-in-law thinks Iím completely heinous. I think itís a pretty common problem. Maybe they just canít imagine their sons marrying someone they did not hand-pick. Or they have their sons up on some pedestal and donít think anybody is good enough for them. Maybe sheís just a bitch.
All you can do is be sweet as shit when youíre with your boyfriendís family, and hope she just gets over it. Maybe she will once she realizes that youíre in it for the long haul. Iíll keep my fingers crossed for you if you keep your fingers crossed for me.
Iíve been dating my boyfriend for more than seven months and I love him to death, but every time we make out, mess around or have sex (which is not very often) Iím the one who initiates it. Sometimes I feel like he doesnít really want to do anything because heís never the one who starts it.
So I guess my question is, How do I tell him that I want him to start initiating things sometimes, without me feeling like every time he does, heís doing it because he feels like he has to and not because he wants to?
I try to send him all the signals when I want him to kiss me, and I make it really easy for him, but I donít think he gets it. And Iíve even tried not kissing him, but then we just end up not doing anything at all.
We havenít made out in two weeks, and it doesnít seem to bother him. I know he loves me because of other little things he does all the time, but this no-action stuff is getting a little frustrating. óAndrea
You can start by being honest with him, and let him know that you need him to be a little more sexually aggressive, or sexual at all.
This whole thing sounds very fishy to me. Why would a dude not be interested in sex? Maybe heís not interested in having a relationship. Or heís gay. Or heís cheating on you. Maybe he has some hormonal problem that affects his libido. Maybe he has issues with women, or maybe he was abused or something and doesnít like sex, period. Itís really hard for me to say, ícause all I know is what you put in your e-mail.
All relationships go through a little bit of cooling off, but seven months is not really long enough to get accustomed to having sex with someone and be satisfied having it less often, especially if you do it as rarely as you indicate. And it seems like heís even withholding basic affection, which is the most troubling part to me.
I would strongly suggest that you have a little conversation with him, and find out what he thinks about your entire relationship, not just the sex. Please take it to heart when I say that you need to talk to him and demand that heís honest with you. Either start getting your sexual needs met, or leave him. Itís really not fair to you to settle for a relationship with no physical component. If thatís what he wants, then maybe you should just be friends, and find a guy who can freak you as needed.
Natalie Dee is a Columbus-based artist and writer whose work can be seen at nataliedee.com. To Ask Natalie, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org
August 3, 2005
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