Beer smells, sleeping pills & bum bleaching

by Natalie Dee

I was talking about pubic hair locations with my friends, and they were all saying that their pubic hair grows at the lower end of their pubic bone, just above the labia. However, mine grows right on the labia and that’s it! Is there something wrong with me? Will guys freak out when we have sex? —Becky

Becky! What are you worried about? Your pubic hair starting a little low? Will it freak guys out? Hell, I bet not. I bet they’re just happy to be fucking at all. If it bugs you out that bad, just wax the whole thing. There will be nothing left to worry about, and you will seem fancier. You should have been able to solve this yourself.

 

My couch seems to smell like beer. I’m trying to like, write an essay and be all productive, but everything smells like beer. I don’t know what to do about it. I’m not an alcoholic college student—I live with my parents. This shouldn’t be happening to me. I want to drop out and drink beer. —Britt

Shhh, it’s OK. We all want to drop out and drink beer. But do we? Nooo. We just keep getting out of bed everyday, and write the damnedest essays our parents have ever read. Now go to sleep.

 

I have really bad insomnia and I don’t know what to do about it. I usually try to get to sleep at about 12 and end up falling asleep at 4:30. I’ve tried taking sleeping pills but they only make me drowsy. Do you have any suggestions?

—Victor

Sleeping pills don’t work for me either. Luckily, I don’t have much of a problem falling asleep. But if I did, I would try to establish a regular sleeping schedule, and stick to it.

Don’t drink too much caffeine or smoke too much before going to bed. Also, don’t just lay in bed trying to go to sleep if it’s not working. Laying awake wondering why you’re not sleeping is an excellent way to make sure you will never fall asleep. Get up, go read a book or watch TV. One last thing I would recommend is don’t eat tons of stuff before going to bed, and also try to get some exercise everyday. Good luck!

 

Are you as bemused as I am by the practice of anal bleaching, or would you get a wild hair and whitey up your asshole? —Ian

I have to say I do not understand the practice of anal bleaching. What are you bleaching? Ass hair? Cause I don’t know if skin can be bleached in such a way. Also, I’ve seen a goodly number of assholes in my day, and they were all either the same color as the surrounding skin or they were slightly pink.

And think of this: Say you got your anus bleached, then you went a week without showering. Does the bleaching cancel it out? And what does bleach make better that plain old soap and water wouldn’t? So, yeah, bemused.

 

I have this wild boner for my professor. He’s an archaeologist and he wouldn’t be so hot if it weren’t for his stunning personality. He’s not married or anything so I don’t have to worry about anyone else.

I’m on a team doing field work with him now and I spend all day digging in the dirt and making wiseass comments that make him laugh. He boasted about my near-perfect grade on my final exam to other kids today and although I tried to be modest, I was real fucking happy.

I hate kiss-ups, so I get conflicted having such a boner for him but not wanting to be nice to him. How do I bag my prof? —Delilah

The secret is this: If you’re not in class, you’re not kissing up. Also, if you’re not in class you’re not endangering your professor’s career. I would wait until the end of the semester, then ask him out.

I suspect, though, that the only reason you’re fixating on him is that he’s into the same stuff you are (archaeology) and you see him everyday. Besides, you would hate to try to bag him and have him say, “Well, I would but you’re my student.” Hold off until you won’t be jeopardizing his job, and he won’t still be giving you grades.

 

I recently got a new puppy. The first night the puppy was here, someone left an enormous pile of poop in the living room. Our big dog has not had an accident in the house for a good six months, so it was easy to blame the six-week-old puppy, except for the fact that the pile was of monstrous proportions. I mean even if it was the big dog’s fault, we’re talking about road apples and not dog turds. Huge!

So I was wondering, do you think that maybe the big dog was telling the puppy, “Hey man, you’re going to love it here. You can take a dump on their stuff and they won’t even do nothing.” Or do you think the puppy, tensed up by his separation trauma and long trip to my house, finally let go? Or are the kids trying to mess with my brain? I just figured maybe you’d know. —Andrea

I think the culprit was the big dog, although I’m not sure he was doing it to show the little dog that you don’t care, ’cause dogs are not smart like that. I bet the big dog crapped on the floor ’cause he was stressed out by the new arrival. It’s not just puppies who get all worked up by change.

Your dog was probably unsure about the puppy and possibly a little stressed out by the attention the new dog was getting. Dogs really like having a routine, and if it gets thrown out of whack all kinds of stuff can go down. Hopefully he gets over it, makes friends with the new dog, and quits with the fecal incontinence.





Natalie Dee is a Columbus-based artist and writer whose work can be seen at nataliedee.com. To Ask Natalie, e-mail asknatalie@nataliedee.com












(c) 2001-2006 Natalie Dee. Images and text on nataliedee.com may not be used in print, online, or other media without explicit written permission from natalie dee. Read the FAQ for contact information.