6-17-2004: cool out. COOL OUT.

Qs: Parents who think that their kids are so great really piss me off. I work with animals, and you would not believe the amount of people who talk about how their kid drank out of a bottle "just like that" while I am feeding the cade lambs milk in a bottle. I just want to tell them "Shut the hell up, I do not care about your children whatsoever - the lamb is way cuter than your child and anyway it doesn't scream and cry and stink until it gets the milk and then puke it back up all over me." I know that everyone had to be a kid at some stage but seriously, it is ridiculous how parents always assume that everything is about their little brat. It just really gets to me. Do you think I am an asshole?

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whenever im in a public area and there are children making noise I throw bread at them when their parents arent looking so that tons of birds will fly at them and give them a life long fear of birds, for some reason it makes me feel so much better about them being in the same area. Does this make me a bad person? or just a bored one?

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I recently began talking with an old ex girlfriend of mine and found out that she's got this new obsession╩in her life. I was all happy for her and stuff. But then she began telling me all the things that weren't happening with this new guy. I made a comment to her and evidently offended her, so I apologized for my dumbass-edness. But, for the last month or so, she has despised me. I tried to patch things up, but with no luck. I might mention that she's....uh....a goth. So, my reasoning is: She needs something or someone to hate so she can get her angst all angsty and drink blood while dancing around a dead, raped animal. What do you think?

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is it wrong of me to be in my senior year of highschool and not want friends? i mean, i just think that it's far too complicated. teenagers are just too╩ignorant and close minded. that's why i hang out with people over the age of 23, though they can be pretty stupid too. ANYWAYS back to the point. is it not healthy of me to do this?

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I'm ready to make a big commitment in my life...╩ I've been looking at two different hollow-body Gibson electric guitar models lately for my final guitar purchase.╩ One is the ES-333, and can be picked up for around $1,000 (used, mint).╩ It is larger, and is laminate construction.╩ I also like the CS-336, which is hand-carved one-piece back and sides, smaller, and more geared towards rock.╩ It will easily cost over $2,000, even used, for a pretty one.╩ It's hard to choose, because I'd definitely get the CS-336 if it weren't so much more expensive, but I don't want to let price alone determine which guitar I get.╩ My question is this: when the guitar salesman at the local shop annoys the piss out of me by making me feel cheap and giving me a hard time about not wanting to spend $2000, can I kick him in the crotch, or am I limited to simply punching him in the face?

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so heres the dillema. well its not really a dillema...but anyways. so theres this girl at my school and I used to be something like best friends with her but all the sudden she went crazy and spazzed at me for not hanging out with her everyday and now she has sick friends and is super mean to me. she happens to be moving. but I don't know how soon. so should I go ahead and smack that bitch the way she fuckin deserves or should I wait it out and hope she leaves sooner rather than later?



A: man, all you cats need to cool the fuck out.

1. having some attitude like you think you are superior to ex-friends and -girlfriends, sales people, classmates, etc is probably the root of your problem.

2. you obviously don't really want any advice, you just want me to be all like WORD, YOU ARE SO AWESOME. EVERYONE JUST NEEDS TO GET PUNCHED IN THE SACK!!

3. yeah.

seriously, these e-mails have gotten to be worse than the boyfriend/girlfriend ones. at least those ones are answerable. these ones just make me kinda embarassed for the person writing, and take like 10,000 times longer spell checking. c'mon, folks. get it together.


Q: I am sick of guys using me and screwing me over. ╩Even the "nice" ones do it. It's gotten to the point where I don't even find sexual stuff fun anymore. I decided in February that I wouldn't hook up with guys any more unless they actually care about and respect me (ie we've known each other for more than a few hours, we're both sober, and they're not assholes). ╩Since making this decision, my love life has basically become nonexistent, which just rubs it in that no guys actually give a shit about me. ╩I don't understand what about me makes guys just want to use me and that's it- it's not like I am insanely attractive, or put out a lot- and it hurts to see other girls who seem to have no trouble finding actual boyfriends. ╩This leads me to conclude that it's a character flaw within myself, and then I start thinking that I'm never going to find someone to love me.... and then I get depressed. ╩75% of the time when I'm drunk (which is fairly often, seeing as I'm young and in college) (in fact, I'm drunk right now... I kid you not) I cry about this after getting home from the party/friends house/whatever. ╩It's something that always nags at me. ╩I want one, just one, guy to actually care about me. ╩What's your consensus of the situation?

A: not every guy is going to have real feelings for you. a minority of guys will get to know you, and a greater minority with develop feelings for you. that is just the way it is for everybody, otherwise it would not be special at all when you find someone you like and want to be with. if i have said it before, i have said it a billion times: NOT HAVING A BOYFRIEND DOES NOT MAKE YOU WORTHLESS, JUST LIKE HAVING A BOYFRIEND DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MAKE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AWESOME. really. and guys can probably smell the desperation, which is kinda a turn off. start worrying about more important things. the finding a dude thing will take care of itself.


Q: I'm all out of good books to read..can you give me some suggestions?

A: recently, i have been reading "Geek Love" by Katherine Dunn, "The Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood, and the complete works of V.C Andrews. read together, you get 100% of your daily requirement of birth defects, post-apocalypse, and smutty incest.


Q: I have lived in Missouri my whole life. So I know all about tornados and stuff. But I'm used to living in the country where a tornado siren is the tornado coming full fledge at your house. Right now I am living in town and last night was my first experience with a tornado siren and it kind of freaked me out. So my question is, have you ever had any experiences with tornados or with any kind of mother nature's fury??

A: i have not, but i am COMPLETELY TERRIFIED of tornados. for real. if we get so much as a tornado watch, i pretty much poop my pants immediately. but i live in columbus, and i don't think we have ever had anything like that.


Q: Ok my problem is. I met a guy and I fell really hard for him. He had at the time, a girl friend. I told him when they broke up to give me a call so it ended. But for the past year I have thought about Robert every single day. The other day I was having a few beers with his old boss who recognized an item I was wearing that belonged to him and╩asked me about it. I explained where I had gotten it from and told him Robert has never left my thoughts. His boss told me he got married and the only thing he regrets is that we didn't get to know each other better. This floored me. This whole year I could have said something and I was too afraid because I thought he didn't like me because we never talked again. My thing is. I want to move away. I want to tell him how I feel about him to get it off my chest. I don't want to ruin his marriage (married 2 months ago) But what his boss said really got to me. But I feel like I need to tell him...because its been eating me up for this past year. I am I wrong?

A: yeah, he is married. he didn't marry you, so you really don't have anything to say to him. take 2 things into consideration... first, would you like someone having a conversation like that with YOUR husband? and second, would you want anything to do with a guy who would even consider leaving his wife for someone else? cause if he would do it to her, he would do it to you.


Q: My ex has this old fridge in his room. It smells awful when╩his╩╩morron friends open it. But there's no way to remove it. I heard that you can put a box of baking soda or powder in a fridge and it gets rid of the smell. Do I use baking soda or baking powder? And how often should I replace the box to maintain freshness?

A: baking soda will only do so much, babydoll. if it is as funky as you make it seem, it is gonna need a world-class scrub out. and that isn't your job. make those guys clean it out themselves. even if you were still dating the guy, it still is not your thing to do. unless you are getting paid.


Q: if your boyfriend cheats on you with his best girl friend.. what are you supposed to do?

A: dump him. dammit. why do you even need to ask??













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