5-11-2004: old dudes and beards.

Q: Is it wrong to sleep with somebody out of spite? I was just wondering because there's this girl I really hate, and the only appropriate thing I can think to do to her is to seduce her, love her, and leave her. What do you think?

A: meh, if you feel that strongly against her, i bet it is because you secretly GOT A HUGE CRUSH ON HER. heh heh heh. i found you out. that was easy.

Q: I hate aol and I think it is the reason for the stupidity of society today(especially stupid tweens). Do you think AOL was created by the devil?

A: yeah, i guess. AOL is for your grandma's internet.

Q: I have a friend that is good friends with a totally insane chick. I mean mentally unstable (have you ever seen the movie Abandon? like crazy, kill you when your back is turned crazy). So anyway, lately I've been really afraid that my friend is secretly just like her, I mean, all the signs are there. What should I do? I'm afraid she's going to kill me in my sleep.

A: i bet she's not gonna kill you. if you don't wanna be her friend anymore, just stop.

Q: I have recently gotten into knitting, but all I can knit are scarves, and they are getting a little boring. What is your favourite thing to knit?

A: My favorite thing to knit is scarves. for real.

Q: I'm a homo that is sexually attracted to much older men. My problem is that its hard to relate to the older guys I date and I'm not physically attracted at all to the guys closer to my age that I've tried to date. My friends have called it a fetish, which i disagree with, but either way i can steer away from it about as much as i can from being gay. Looking at it realistically, there isn't much future in a relationship with someone 20 years my senior....and there isn't much appeal to someone my age no matter how interesting they are. Catch 22. Some insight?

A: fuck the old dudes. if that is what gets your goat, then go for it. start taking up some old-dude type hobbies, and do old dude stuff. go bowling or to sears or go hunting or something. i dunno. what do old gay dudes do?

Q: this girl ive been seeing wanted me to change who i was to be with her, so i told her to fuck off. what should i do?

A: well. it sounds like you pretty much took care of that. thanks for writing.

Q: Why does the sweat from in-between my legs smell so bad?

A: You have poor personal hygeine.

Q: i am trying to grow a beard but it is coming in very sparse and unattractive. is the pre-beard stage worth waiting through in order to experience the extreme awesomeness of having a beard? i ask because right now i look like some kind of lazy job-less hobo man but i am hoping that the beard will turn me into a cool indie-rock un-hobo man. with a beard. should i wait for super beard power or should i just shave it off before i am really disapointed with its inability to make me indie-rock better?

A: mmmmmm. GROW THE BEARD. you don't even need to ask. ain't nothin manlyindierockier than some beard. when you feel down about it, just close your eyes and visualize Scott Spillane. he went for the gold. good luck to you.

Q: I was discussing your dinosaur made of sexual devices and she claims that the said device are most likely just pictures taken from the web and made into a dinodildo-butt plugasaurus, but I protest that (formerly?) working as a phone sex operator and a porn shop employee that these devices were yours? So, if you don't mind answering... Are those things yours?

A: yes and yes.

Q: Have you ever had a long distance relationship, and if so, do you have any advice as to what I can do to make it easier on myself, and my boyfriend?

A: i have, and the one thing that will make it easier is to move to the same town. if that is not feasible, then you just gotta wait it out.

Q: Every time I go to the store lately I get mobbed by Girl Scouts pimping their cookies. Is there a way to say, "No thanks, I'm not interested in your over-priced and pretty gross cookies and I also think Girl Scouts is ridiculous" without making an 8-year-old cry? I have the same problem when the junior high cheerleaders start raising money for uniforms, but they're a little older so I don't mind hurting their feelings a little more

A: well, you could start with "no thank you". people seem to think that they can be rude to people who are selling things for organizations or collecting for charity or whatever. personally, i don't see anything wrong with people working to get money to do things that are safe and fun, like camping trips and cheerleading lessons and shit, or raising money for good causes. if i don't want to give them my money, i just decline politely. i dunno. it seems like common sense.

NATALIE DEE LESSON OF THE DAY: you can be as counter-culture and hip and sarcastic as you want, but when you act like an asshole, people think you are an asshole. and nobody likes an asshole. for real. coolness and manners are not exclusive.


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