3-17-2004: god, your head is huge.

Q: My favourite chocolate muffin has square chunks of chocolate on top. How come they don't melt or become misshapen when they're cooked? I guess the ones inside keep their shape because they're surrounded by muffin, but the ones on top - do they coat them in flour, or are they just special magical chocolate chips

A: they are special and magical. it might have something to do with the fact that the square chunks of chocolate are usually darker chocolate, and dark chocolate does not have as much fat in it, and therefore would not be as apt to get all runny, and the chunks inside are all surrounded by wetness that gets all steamy in the cooking process, and that melts them a little more. like dry heat vs. moist heat. if you put a piece of meat in the oven uncovered it will get tough and dry, but if you cook it in a pot with broth or something wet, and keep it covered, the meat will pretty much fall apart eventually. that is just my hypothesis though. i really have no clue.

Q: Ok, so here goes. This one has me really stumped. The other night was my girlfriends birthday, so she had a party. But at the party she got kinda drunk and was flirting with a friend of hers, who is also a girl. I mean they were playing with each others boobs and everything. It was awesome. But I had stuff to do the next day and she wanted to stay so I left her there. So then she stayed with her friend for the following four days. I called her house and got to talk with her but she really cold shouldered me and was trying to avoid me. So I think my question is this. Is she bisexual and if she is, how will it affect my relationship with her? I mean of course I automatically want to think the guy thing and start planning threesomes. But uh, maybe that's cause I've watched too much porn. I'm cool with her being bisexual if she is, but how do I ask that without seeming intrusive?

A: ohhh. dude. if she is messing around with a chick at a party, and stays at the party after you leave so she can continue to play around with said chick after you leave, and THEN stays with the chick for the next 4 days and gives you the cold shoulder the whole time, things do not look to good for you. it sounds like she digs the ladies and wants you to have nothing to do with it.

giving you the gas face for four days while she goes muff diving is not a threesome. it is your girlfriend sleeping around on you. i would not be surprised if you guys have broken up already.

Q: I have a really big head compared to the rest of my body, it's quite obvious. I am not sure what happened in my development but something went terribly wrong. Anyway, the kids down at the skate board park have started calling me "head and half", It really hurts me and I am not sure what I can do about it, any ideas?

A: come here, sit on aunt natalie's lap... don't listen to the kids at the skate park, they are just jealous. only awesome people have giant heads. i have a big old head. my brother drew has a gigantic head. a large percentage of famous people have big heads. and look at sean na na! his head is bigger than my head, your head, and drew's head put together.

i suggest you start swinging your big old head all over the place. walk it down the street. point it at people. they will love it. grow your hair out all crazy so your head looks even bigger. so what if you can't wear a baseball hat? NEITHER CAN ANYONE ELSE THAT IS AWESOME. we should start a freaking club. if your head circumference is smaller than 21 inches, YOU ARE NOT INVITED.

then tell the guys at the skate park to suck on your cock.

Q: Do girls really want a nice guy? I have done the "nice guy" routine and have been shit on pretty bad; three or four times. So I'm saying "fuck it" and now I'm acting like a mean asshole.

So I guess my question is that "Do girls really like the nice guy, or do they just want some Dawson's Creek/Melrose Place type drama in their lives?" My experience has been that they want the drama in highschool and so far up to Junior year in college.

A: quit acting like a mean asshole. just be yourself and eventually that will get some lady's pussy all wet thinking about picking out furniture with you.

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