1-26-2005: the station wagon.

Q: Have you ever signed up for one of those match making web sites, even though you're in a serious relationship, or in your case...married. If you have, what do you think about them, from your serious relationship status perspective?

A: i haven't. pretty much i think that meeting internet people is pretty sketchy. my feeling is that if a person is having to use the internet to meet people, they probably have problems interacting with people in real life. (i am not saying that people who use the internet as a dating tool are lame or whatever, just that they are more likely to lack certain personality traits that i find attractive.) if that is your bag, though, that is cool too.

Q: I need your advice, since your a chick and all. What gets women the most horny, a guy with a toupee, or a well groomed comb over? I think it would be my comb over, because it's all natural and stuff.

A: probably neither. i bet most chicks would prefer a more natural thing, natural meaning not trying to hide the fact you are going bald. i will tell you one thing that women pretty much don't find totally hot-- dudes asking what makes then "horny". that is kinda gross.

Q: I recently had my wisdom teeth taken out, and lemme tell you,it sucks like nobody's business. Sooo, I was wondering, have you had your wisdom teeth removed?

A: no. i haven't. i probably won't at this point, since i am pretty old now. i think i might just not have wisdom teeth at all. (interesting fact to back up my theory of just not having wisdom teeth: a lot of the teeth in the back of my mouth are baby teeth. they never fell out because there were no adult molars underneath. FASCINATING!!)

Q: You wrote in your diary that you lost like 60 pounds. That's awesome. I'm 18 years old and over the past year I've lost about 50 pounds myself. Unfortunetly being as I was so over weight... I still need to lose like another 40. I was wondering if there were any certain diets, or exercises you'd recommend. I'm sort of taking dieting tips that have worked for people I know, and giving them a go. I'd appreciate any advice!

A: here is what i have been doing. i work out at least 5 days a week. i speed walk for about 30 minutes on the treadmill set to a pretty decent incline, then i will do 5 miles or so in the stationary bike, and i lift weights. it sounds like a lot, but it usually only takes about an hour and a half or something. i don't count calories or whatever, i just basically try to eat all natural stuff. i eat meat and vegetables and fruit and whole grains and cheese and whatever. i do not eat bleached flour or sugar, or stuff with a lot of preservatives or ingredients. my diet is pretty low in carbs. i eat a lot of soy products, too, like soy noodles. i also take a heaping ton of vitamins. it has been working out pretty well for me, and i do not feel like i am dieting at all.

Q: OK. So I have really long hair, around my waist or so. A lot of people ask me why I don't cut it, and when I last got it cut, etc. The thing is I do want to, I don't really care that much but I would prefer if it were shorter. But these people are really annoying and I just want to leave it to spite them, and I just know that someone will make a big deal about it when/if I do, and that'll be even more annoying. Plus nowadays haircuts are like 20 bucks, and I don't want to spend 20 bucks. So I decided the best way to choose whether or not to cut it would be asking someone on the internet who I don't know.

A: first off, not cutting your hair to spite people is retarded. they don't have to wash it every day and mess with it, you do. second, cutting your hair is awesome. i recently got my hair cut from waist-length and no layers to shoulder-length and all kinds of layers. it is totally awesome because: A) it looks a lot better. i do not think really long hair suits most people, myself included B) i use A LOT less shampoo, and my hair is in nice enough shape now that i don't even use conditioner, i just use a little spray detangler and C) it takes all of 10 seconds to blow dry. it is like a dream come true. good luck trying to get a nice haircut for 20 bucks, though. my experience is that you get what you pay for, especially if you are going for a dramatic change. you are going to have to pay for the experience and skill and knowledge of technique, or you are going to look like your mom cut your hair. i won't tell you how much my haircut cost, but i wound up tipping more than 20 bucks. i am not rich, i will just pay to make sure i don't look like a dork.

Q: I have a slight problem. My boyfriend is a dog breeder and we live on a farm, but we have way too many dogs to handle. We don't want to put them down or give them to a shelter, but no one seems to want to buy any. Do you have any suggestions?

A: your question makes me fucking sick. you're lucky i do not know where you live, or i would call the humane society on you. your boyfriend is not a dog breeder if he is making his dog give birth to puppies that aren't wanted, and isn't willing to keep them himself. the mark of a true dog breeder is that they are responsible for every single puppy their dog has. that means taking dogs back that people buy from them if something happens and they can't take care of them anymore, and taking care of whatever puppies they can't sell. anything less than that and you are a BACKYARD BREEDER, the kind of person who is just breeding dogs for money, and has no concern for advancement of the breed or the well-being of any puppy you produce. breeding dogs until you have too many to handle and you have to face the choice of putting them down or giving them to the shelter is SELFISH and IMMATURE. you disgust me. seriously.

Q: Do you think it is weird to have a diaper fetish? If you are not familiar on the diaper fetish, it is when you wish that you could wear diapers and act like a babie. i wish my girlfriend would do it to me, like diaper me and change me when im wet, but i think she will think im totally odd and not like me anymore. i try hard NOT to have a diaper fetish but it excites me the most.

A: dude, don't ask me what i think. i am not fucking you, so it is not my business. sure, i think it is odd, but a lot of people have kinks and it is not my place to say what is kosher and what isn't. i don't know what kind of lady your girlfriend is, but if she is pretty sexually open she shouldn't have a problem. me, i probably would, not because i think there is anything wrong with it, but because i try not to involve toilet stuff with sex stuff. and i am afraid changing wet diapers would fall under the NO EXCREMENT section of things i will and won't do.

Q: i have this problem with impulsive buying. i am not impulsive at all in other areas, but when it comes to making purchases (especially cds or books) i feel like i cant help myself. as awesome as having every album by the faint may be to some, it makes me pathetic because i dont really even like them. its like i'll be in a store, and i'll see something that catches my eye, so i think about it like, 'do i really want/need this?' etc. and regardless of whether i do or not, i just blow my money on it. retarded i know. any suggestions?

A: me too. i used to have a huge problem with it, but i have wrestled it in. i would just buy stupid stuff. i think the secret to getting your buying under control is to start saving money, either for a particular goal or not (i am saving for a Volvo station wagon). if you do not have a lot of money (i don't), just make arrangements with your bank to deposit 10 or 20 bucks in your savings account every time you get paid. if you do not see the money or have it in your hands, it is easy to forget about it and not spend it. the more money you save up, the more you know how much it is worth and how hard it is to accumulate any kind of real amount. then, when you go to the store, you will think a little harder about what you need and what you don't. also, look at the stuff you have, and kind of think about what you have that you actually need, and use frequently. then you will notice patterns of what you waste money on, and what your weaknesses are. me, i buy a lot of toiletries and makeup i do not need. i had about 11 lip balms in my desk at work, and a closet full of about every shampoo ever made. so i know when i go to the store i do not need these things, even if they smell great or have some kind of special secret ingredient. my last tip would be to stop before you go to the register to make your purchases and really look at what you have in your basket, and think to yourself "would i rather have this thing, or 5-10-20-50 dollars?" if you don't think you need the thing more than you need the money, put it back. it is hard, and you will slip up once in awhile, but it feel a lot better to have control over your money, even if it is just a little bit of money.

Q: have you ever dyed your hair? do you recommend dyeing it?

A: i have dyed my hair and i do not recommend it. once you do you are pretty much trapped forever, because it is hard to get it looking normal again. you will be stuck dyeing it all the time.

Q: Are there stairs in your house?

A: yes. i am protected.

Q: When eating at a restaurant, do you go for the booth or the table? I was raised to be a booth man, but each has its own advantages for different situations, and I was curious what you think. For dates, for family outings, and for dinner with friends, is it best to go with the booth or the table?

A: i am in favor of the booth, for all occasions. i think this is because i like sitting indian-style and you can not do that too well in a regular chair.

Q: I have a bit of a dilema. I am a registered sex offender because of a mistake I made a few years back by having sex with someone who was three years younger then me. At the time I didn't know that this was illegal, I just thought it was frowned upon, but the brain of a 14 year old boy is kind of sex driven so I never let the frowns stop me. Well any way now a few years later my past has caught up to me. Someone at my school got wind of my picture on the offender web site and people started calling me "Chester the Molester," yelling sex offender, and passing out printouts. I have been skipping school for the past week and a half because I just don't want to face that any more. What is a boy to do?

A: man, if you thought fucking an 11 year old was fine, you're pretty much a sex offender and you should deal with the consequences. things are "frowned upon" for a reason, dude. i am sure there is more to this story than you are telling me anyway. fact of the matter is, whatever you did was heinous enough for them to put a 14 year old on the sex offenders list, you gotta roll with it, bro. you're a sex offender. (i would watch your ass, though. if you pull any of that shit again you will be classified as a sexual predator, which i am sure is real bad news, and you would probably have to tell all your neighbors and stuff.)

Q: So, Natalie. It pretty much seems to me that in most relationships, one of the people could do better. Someone is walking around with chicken nuggets cos they don't realize they can afford steak. They're just used to eating chicken nuggets. I was wondering, between you and your husband, in your opinion, which one of you is slumming?

A: let me just say that if you are in a real adult relationship with someone you care about and share interests with and enjoy completely, there is not really any issue as to which one is "slumming". that is just pretty much an offensive concept saved for people who base their choice in mates on what they look like and how they can benefit from being with that person instead of anything real. when it comes to my husband and i, neither of us are slumming, not that my personal relationships are any of your business.

Q: I think your handwriting suggeststhat you're left-handed. Are you left-handed? If so, are youa closet left-hander or do you wear it on your chest with great pride? But you know, if you're not left-handed, that's ok too.

A: i am right-handed.

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